A reason, a season or a lifetime

Someone once told me “People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime”. It’s true, I guess, but I don’t really like it.

I have a very intense personality, so if I like someone, I want them to stay in my life forever. I don’t want them to teach me something and move on. Or to stay with me for a season and say goodbye. I want the lifetime deal.

I recently had to say goodbye to someone who was in my life very briefly, only 10 weeks – part of Summer and early Fall. Less than a full season.

It’s very difficult and very painful. I can see the reasons why we met. I see how much I’ve learned about myself, how much I still need to grow. I can see how much my impatience gets the best of me and how I forget all the wonderful things I’ve learned on the spiritual path when things don’t go my way. I see how much more work I still have to do and will keep doing for the rest of my life. Progress, not perfection, right?

The problem is: I don’t know how to do anything halfway. I dive in. I merge. I want it all. I want to be in it 100% or not. I don’t simply dip my toes in the water, I jump right in, clothes and all.

Then I want the lifetime deal. And the lifetime deal sometimes is not meant to be – I guess. Not sure how this stuff works, to be honest. Will not pretend to. There’s the whole issue of karma and timing and agendas and this and that. Making a relationship work, in my experience, has been like trying to line up the planets.

But I am no victim. I knew the risks (there are always risks), I knew what I was getting myself into. It was beautiful, it was good, it was intense, it was expansive. And I wish it could have lasted, even though the chances were very slim from day 1.

One of the beautiful lessons from the Ramayana (the story of Rama) is: “the only way out is through”. To overcome any pain, we need to get through it, feel it, sit with it, explore it. Then, when time is right, we come out through the other side renewed, hopefully purified.